Tears fall down like rain

[this post is about grief and loss]

I stare at my eyes every morning, taking stock of what new dermatological affliction the prior day’s crying has brought forth.

There was the intense flakiness on my eyelids a day or two after mom’s funeral. That was a good look … and painful, too. Thankfully the flakiness was short lived. What has persisted is a puffiness in my eyelids and shades of pinks and purples under my eyes.

People ask how I’m doing and I say I’m okay but my eyes might be betraying me.

Tears fall down like rain.

Losing a parent is a weird type of grief. It’s intensely destabilizing. Like losing a part of yourself. I can’t help but feel like a little kid.

Sure, I’m sad and I’m literally heartbroken (there’s a dull physical ache in the middle of my chest).

But more than anything… I feel alone. Not lonely — alone.

Tears fall down like rain.

Part of this pain is familiar — I’ve been through it before when I lost my dad seven years ago. But the alone feeling — that’s new.

A friend told me that when you lose both of your parents you can’t help but feel like an orphan, regardless of how old you are. And I think that’s what this alone feeling is for me. There were two people in my life who made me and loved me. They saw me through every stage of my life and now they’re both gone.

I can’t help but feel alone.

Tears fall down like rain.

Mom was sick for a very long time. The last six months of her life were incredibly difficult. I worried about her and about what the next phase of her illness might bring. There were early signs of dementia that terrified me. I was prepared for the physical decline but not the cognitive decline. It all gave me intense anxiety. Even when things were stable, I had low level anxiety anticipating the next crisis.

The anxiety is now gone. I’m left with emptiness. I still find myself thinking that I should call my mom or that I should tell her something. Then I remember- oh, right, she’s gone.

Tears fall down like rain.

It feels like I’ve been living through this grief for months … and then I remind myself it’s only been a week.

Tears fall down like rain is a lyric from Natalie Merchant’s Sister Tilly, where she mourns the passing of a generation of women.